What's a guy to do? It's been steadily creeping into my mind that the best friends I've had in the world now no longer talk to me. What used to be a weekly guarantee of having the time of my life has now transformed to me sitting at my computer, thinking of all the good times, and why we still arnt having them. College has been hard on everyone, I know this, but damn, where did everyone go? We were almost as tight as people could be in high school, or at least that's what I remember, but not now. It's not as if we all went out of state either, if my memory serves me correctly, every single major member of the group still lives in Springfield, in fact I think all but one still lives in the same damn house. Have we all grown that far apart? I only talk to one person from that group regularly now, and it's funny, because he and i were the ones who had an actual falling out in high school. I know for sure I'll see one for 3 months in the fall for coaching, but it almost seems like that's a forced thing.

We've all made new friends; im well aware of that. I love all the new people I hang out with, and I wouldn't trade them in for the world, but I think the time is very overdue for a reunion of sorts, a "getting the band back together" event. I've just been having a rough go of it lately, and I miss being able to go hang out with people who could instantly pick me up, even for just one night. I know none of the people I've referenced read my xanga, and I think only one of them still has one, but I have to get this off my chest. My xanga is becoming the EMO diary I never had. Oh well, its better to put all these thoughts and emotions here, instead of actually having to deal with them, or letting people see im weak, and yea, I really am that fickle. So hears to all the good times we had, and hopefully will have in the future.

so it happend people.  I droped the bomb, and it was a dud.  Probley the biggest dud the world has seen in awhile.  Its frustrating when stuff makes sense, fits perfect in your mind, then come to find out that it all ment nothing.  She wasnt very kind either, which really didnt help at all, but such is life i guess.  Im feeling sucha  mixture of emotions now its crazy.  Im happy because i finally got an answer, granted it wasnt the one i wanted.  Im upset obviously because, well she doesnt like me back, at all in fact.  Apparently all the times EVERYONE in the group thought she was flirting, all the signs everyone saw were apparently not there.  Maybe everyone just wanted them to be there, thus making them fit...actually i highly doubt that, but thats the way it worked out.  Im not sad or depressed, it just feels like i got punched in the gut really really hard outta nowhere.  Im also mad at myself for not only taking so long to tell her, but to completely rest all my efforts on a chance, one which i thought was in my favor...anyone see a pattern developing?  I think im right, i act, i get bitch slaped, i reflect, happens again... wow i really think i hit it on the head there.  Im really good at being a friend, damn good in fact.  I think thats my special talent, being the friend.  Im too much of a pussy to actually just ask someone out, i have to get to know them first, thats when the whole "friend" mindset begins, and the problem builds from there.  If there was a way i could buy some balls i would do it... but alas i just have to balls up myself, which we all know wont happen.  Im too nice, too shy for my own good, people relate to me too well, and overall im not physically attractive enough to pull the kinda girl i want and deserve.  Sucks being stuck between not being waht girls want and what you are, which totally goes against everything the guy standard is.  I know there are girls out there that understand this, cause im friends with all of them...like what i did there?  I surely do.  I really thought kylie was different, i really didnt think she was jsut stringing me along, we really clicked, i guess in a way i didnt want to.  I really dont need new friends, i love the ones i have now, so for future reference ladies, if we start hanging out, i dont wanna talk about how your ex's were pricks, why guys cheat all the time(which they dont) and why your just so damn set on being fucking single because you think that'll solve all your damn relationship problems, forgetting you have to get into one with a decent person to even begin to fix things.  Why is knowing something dark about someone a bad thing?  In fact i think its a good thing taht someone can know somethign about you that would maybe alter their view of you...if they still like you lol.  But i did, i heard lots of stuff i could probley live without, but it made her a real person, gave her depth, gave her some reality to go along w/ her being "perfect"(as much as someone can be).  All of those things were intrusted in me by her own will, no pressure, no proding was involved.  In fact some of it was dumped into my lap without me even wanting to listen, but i was the good person and helped her through shit, i was there for her to call, i guess i actually made myself into the friend by being nice all the time.  Maybe if i would have called her a bitch sometimes, insisted upon having my way only and all that other shit things might be different, but i dont compromise who i am for anyone or anything, good or bad.  I agree im not the best looking, but i would 100% garentee that i was the most whole, real, respectable person shes ever met her age.  Save for her best friend Tyler, i think i've cared about her the most outta any of the guys that claim to be great friends with her.  Maybe i gto shot down because of her warped view of relationships, granted she did go through a very shitty one.  But i thought i had distanced myself from that type of person, i thought i had made it crystal clear that i was different, a dimond in teh ruff if you will, someone who was worth the little bit of work to find.  I feel bad for the person who actually gets to her enough to get into a relationship with her, because he'll be having to deal with alot of shti she should already be over.  Even with all those "problems" shes still such an attractive person to me, and to this minute i cant shake the fact that i really did pour myself into her, i finally connect with a girl, only to have it end so badly.  I'm movin on, no point to wallow in sorrow when i could focus on the good in my life, but it still hurts alot.  For anyone who actually read this in its entirety, wow, you must really care what i think and feel, or you have so much free time that this was just above punching yourself in teh face on the list of things to do.  Time will tell what happens with me and kylie, weither things are weird between us or not, frankly i couldnt guess either way, i hope they arnt ackward, shes a great person...only time will tell

Lets just say i fucked up pretty huge yesterday

so its 1:14 am at the moment and i have to wake up in about 6 hours to coach at cherokee, BUT i just feel like i have to update about somthing, anything really.  Coaching started today, which was suprizing.  I never knew there were so many kids who would go out for a sport they had no earthly clue about...but with some excellent coaching by our staff i think we can pull the season outta the toliet and make it a decent year.  School officially starts a week from yesterday and im really mixed about it.  Im really excited to see everyone on a regular basis again, but sad in the fact taht my summer just really officially started less than a week ago.  Damn you summer school, damn you.  Hopefully i'll be able to really get into the classes this semester and make my education worth while.  I've come to the conclusion that i have really kept to myself this summer.  I really havent hung out w/ friends very much at all this summer which makes me sad, but with school cramping everyones scheduals hopefully there will be some hang out time in store this semester. 

 I got off the phone with kylie about 10 minutes ago.  We talked for almost a good two hours.  Seems like shes been appearing in my posts as of late, but i really cant help it.  Tonights conversation was the deepest i think i've ever had with anyone except for maybe a couple with annie.  I really think shes finally opening up all the way towards me and is getting more comfortable with trusting me with stuff.  There actually was a point in the conversation that i almost let home much i like her slip, and it took alot of totally backtracking to get be into a safe zone again.  Its just so hard sometimes when we talk because i feel the words just flowing out of my mouth, and i have to constantly catch myself before they do.  I think im afraid of telling her in fear of the rejection, but also the ackward spin it might put on the group, or maybe i just dotn have the balls to face it yet.  Either way i dont feel the time is quite right, but its drawing closer and closer by the day....

i'll leave u all with that.  Thanks to the 3 of you that read my junk, hope you enjoy :)

peace